National Passport Hotline

Thank you for calling the National Passport Hotline. For English, press one.

Para Espanol, prensa dos.

To be immediately hung up on, press three.

To save heartache and just do it yourself, press four.

To listen to forty-one minutes of terrible classical music followed by complete dead silence, leaving you to stare at the phone and repeatedly say, "Hello? Am I still on hold?" press five.

To hear a very bland man announce that if you are not traveling in the next few weeks, there is NO NEED TO WORRY, press six.

To hear the rest of his statement which is, "Don't bother worrying, it won't change the fact that your passport isn't coming", press seven.

To hear the announcement that you may now travel to Mexico, Canada, and the Caribbean with your Government- issued ID and, in Mexico's case, a certified birth certificate, press eight.

To hear snickering because we not only have your passport, but also your birth certificate, press nine.

To hear your mother's voice scolding you that "You should have planned ahead!", press ten.

To hear the ocean waves that you may miss while waiting for your passport, press eleven.

To begin unpacking to the tune of, "You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me, Lucille", press twelve.

To hear all of the above options, press thirteen. At the conclusion of the announcements, you will hear a recording telling you that your call is very important and please stay on the li.....

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